The Neverending Day

Wow... 8:30 to 5:30 with no more than a 15 minute break. That was a long ass day. I think I've had enough in depth pharmaceutical care planning for one lifetime.

I would have taken Tylenol to kill myself halfway through, but lo and behold... we learned today that it would take up to 3 days to die. That means I'd probably have to go to school on Monday too. Not the sweet relief I was looking for. Just kidding, drugs and suicide are bad... mmmkay?

Anyways, I realize that no one is probably reading this... but if you are, I'll fucking find you and make you write me a comment. I crave attention and feedback.
So yeah, write me a comment.


Yep, that was a terrible post, you can't unread it, though.

Disgusting Update

It has come to my attention, and obviously some of yours, that the shit stained underpants belong not to a socially retarded man, but a less than hygeinic WOMAN! I'm just a bit more disgusted that a woman would have so little regard for her fecal contents and where they wind up... call me old fashioned.

Anyways, thought you'd like to know.

Bacon Strips and Eggs...

Another picture here that makes me wonder how some people function in life. I like a game of strip Twister as much as the next guy, but when I get down to my skivvies I generally like to ensure that I've worn a pair that might be a little less disgusting than the man depicted in this photograph.

This man, I've decided to call Roger, has less than optimal social skills. I can only imagine that he was invited out of pity because the host felt bad for him and thought 'what harm can there be in inviting Roger?' Well, host, I'd like to show you what kind of harm has been done... that streak of feces across the ass of his tighty whities.

Looking at the others in the picture, it kind of looks like a loser fest anyways, but I think Roger here is in a class of his own. Everyone else came prepared to get down to it... boxer shorts, without excrement.

Final Tip: When attending a party where you will be in your underwear and especially if you will be in close proximity to others while bending over, it is ESSENTIAL to wear a CLEAN pair of underpants. 'Nuff said.

Classic White Ninja...

This classic White Ninja depicts our hero shooting a rabbit in the face. This, in itself is hilarious as he uses an old fashioned bow and arrow, forgoing the convenience and accuracy of a modern firearm. We assume that somewhere along the line that Mr. Ninja will end up with a pair of slippers, and most likely they will be the comedic classic, the bunny slipper. Since he has killed one bunny already by 4 and 5, we assume he is turning these bunnies into his slippers... but NO! It would appear that the bunnies are wearing bunny slippers! Ta Da! White Ninja does it again, he leads us on but in the end pulls a hilarious fast one. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to anticipate that ol' White Ninja.

Dancin' Queen

This picture makes me laugh. Not only is the chick, we'll call her Thelma, in a less than flattering position, but apparently she has been cutting a rug, so to speak, for some time by the horrified looks on the faces of the men behind her. Poor Thelma, I think she went home alone that night. Unless someone wanted to tag the fat, bad dancer, in which case she would have been one lucky lady. Come to think of it, Thelma is the only girl in that picture, where are the other little ballerinas? What brought Thelma to this par-tay I wonder?

One must appreciate the energy that she puts into feeling the music, however. That is one high kick. Wherever you are now in this crazy world, Thelma, keep on dancing.

10 Things You Didn't Know About Me..

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Mike!

1. Mike can run sixty-five kilometres an hour - that's really fast!
2. The canonical hours of the Christian church are matins, lauds, prime, terce, sext, none, Mike and compline.
3. The air around Mike is superheated to about five times the temperature of the sun.
4. There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat Mike, though it may feel uncomfortable.
5. Ancient Chinese artists would never paint pictures of Mike!
6. If you toss Mike 10000 times, he will not land heads 5000 times, but more like 4950, because his head weighs more and thus ends up on the bottom.
7. Only fifty-five percent of men wash their hands after using Mike.
8. Marie Antoinette never said 'let them eat cake' - this is a mistranslation of 'let them eat Mike'.
9. Ostriches stick their heads in Mike not to hide but to look for water.
10. The water in oceans is four times less salty than the water in Mike.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Missing the Crocodile Hunter..

It's been a few days since the famous Australian conservationist died and the world is a little less exciting. I hope that we can remember him and take comfort in the fact that Steve Irwin died the way he lived, with animals firmly in his heart.



Tasteless, I know.

Fucking Wanna Be Pig

On my way home from Ryly's tonight I stopped by campus to drop off Rich and Adam for the Commerce BBQ. As I'm heading out on campus drive towards east road I see some douche bag campus cop's lights flashing behind me. The first thing I think is 'shit, I've had a few beer'. The douche comes up to me and asks me how much I've had to drink. 'Nothing,' I lie. He tells me I was doing 65 in a 40 zone. I think, 'So the fuck what, its campus at 9:30 pm on a Monday, fuck him' Then I realize that I don't have my seatbelt on, which I took off when I pulled over, cause thats what I do before I get out of a car. Having only been pulled over once a few years back I don't know protocol (and I'm a little drunk), I assumed I'd be getting out of the car. He tells me the seatbelt ticket is 165 bucks and some more for the speed. Whatever, he's a douche, and he keeps me waiting for probably 15 minutes while he runs me through the computer and probably eats a Boston Creme... damn I wish I had one of those right now. Anyways, fuck him. I'll pay it, but I won't slow down, that car has too much power and I have too much to do.

My Calendar

I just sort of cleaned up my office so I have a place to do some homework should the desire come over me to crack a fucking book. So far, nothing.

Anyways, I came across my wall calendar from this year (moved in in May an dstill haven't put it up, good investment eh?). It's entitled "Nuns Having Fun" and has a new hilarious picture of wacky nuns in crazy situations each month. They have little captions underneath to maximize the laughs, and boy, do they ever do the trick. For instance October (I know, I spoiled the surprise by looking) has three nuns sitting around a pub table eating. They all have pints (one of them is empty and the accompanying nun is making a hilarious face) and underneath it says "Ale Marys"... a hilarious play on words of the Hail Mary. Oh those nuns. I bet they have adventures at the convent that us regular folk could only dream of.

Finally... Winners of the SPNSS Scavenger Hunt

So we finally won. Eight Balls in the Corner Pocket, our team, pulled down a big win with our collection of a dead muskrat, a toga with nothing underneath, a shiny male thong with a zipper (worn by yours truly) and a hubcap stolen off of a car on the street, among other things.

The prize was a hell of a bar tab and that went down deliciously. Cheers to a new year at school.

The Tale of the Jetta TDI

Back in July I smashed up my old car, a 1995 Dodge Spirit. The search for the replacement began in earnest last Friday when I picked up an auto trader. I found several cars to my liking but decided I liked a dark blue 2000 V6 Jetta the best. This car was loaded, heated leather seats, power everything, and drove so well I had wet dreams for the next few days. However, the private sale thing was kind of sketchy and the guy was a little tough to get a hold of, as he was out of town lots. There were other things with this car that made me a bit nervous, but damn, I was a mosquito to the zapper and I wanted that car.

Scene 2: I end up missing the banks closing time on Wednesday, as I had decided I was going to indeed purchase this car from 'Dennis'. I was kind of ripped at my misfortune but my sister decided to take me to a few different dealerships to look around, because apparently I had been a little impulsive in my desire for the first car I looked at. We eventually got to Saturn of Saskatoon down at the Auto Mall. We noticed a blue/green (name of color yet to be determined) 2001 Jetta TDI as we circled the lot. We got out to investigate and in less than 2 minutes a tall, strapping man named Trevor came out to see what the 411 was. Eventually I recognized him from a game of golf a few years previous when he had joined in with us at Wildwood. Anyways, I digress. Erin and I took the car for a little spin and I liked the feel of it. It wasn't as pretty as the V6 and sounded slightly rougher due to the fact that it was diesel, but it handled well and felt amazing on the road. It was about 4 grand more than the 2000 that 'Dennis' was selling and had more km, but it had some good service points and features that I really had to consider.

Scene 3: I had slept on the choices and woke up with the decision to purchase the dark blue car. The world was telling me to pick it. I had told Trevor that I would be back on Friday, however, to take a second look. Lance and I pulled into the dealership and I was ready to humour the salesman before I said no. As luck would have it I took it for a second ride and enjoyed the feel of it a little mor than the day before. We drove back to the dealership and were hit up with questions about the seriousness of my interest. I asked price, he said we'd talk. Still not sure if I wanted the car, I became quite interested in seeing how low I could get him to go, even though I'm sure the car was overpriced and that he had lots of room to negotiate. A half hour later I had talked over 3 grand off the sticker price and got him to throw in some tint and some minor cosmetic shit. We had a deal and I signed beside the 'X'.

Scene 4: As I headed out of the dealership to get some cash I let out a large breath and hoped I made a good choice. Then I realized I couldn't drive it right away and went back into the showroom to ensure that I also needed to register my car, fuck I'm stupid. Anyways, Lance and I hurried to the bank to get my cheque so I could drive my car home. All went well and we returned to pay for my car... MY CAR. It was exciting. I told Trevor he had just stole my car buying V-card. He laughed and said his wife would be impressed... jealous is more like it, ha. Anyways, I gave over the largest sum of cash I've ever seen in my hands to the financial dude, who was easily 20 feet tall if he was an inch. Scary mother fucker. Then it was off to Galon insurance to get my registration. We were there in short time and I registered the first vehicle ever in my name. The chick was quite dull and apparently didn't appreciate my sense of humour. I doubt she's ever gotten laid... what with her being so fucking ugly and all.

Back on the road we made a quick stop at the sevvy for some gas in the sister's SUV and a pair of toquitoes (it was almost 8 and we hadn't eaten yet... plus toquitoes are delicious). As we weaved down second avenue, busting our asses to get back so I could hop into my new ride we saw some riff raff (tanned cousin, brownitis, buck, whatever you want to call him) riding a bicycle with his head looking behind him. Also, a car was backing out ever so slowly. I saw it in my head before it happened and a 'oh shit' escaped my lips as the cyclist smashed into the back bumper and flew up on top of the back window. Hilarious. As grandad got out of his car to check the riff raff looked angry, what a douche. It was his fault. Anyways, no time to waste we chuckled as we sped up onto the freeway bridge and back to my car. Walking into Saturn for the last time that evening I shook Trevor's hand and he handed me the key. My KEY. My CAR. Fuck yeah.

Many more stories about my car to come, but thats the story of how I got my very first car. I know you'll remember it forever.

Why I'm never having children

White Ninja says it best in today's comic.



Although I learned something today... I know now that spiders don't come from a woman's vagina. Neat.

Celebrity Readers

It has come to my attention that this very blog that you are reading at this moment has been read by none other than the one and only Geoff Baird. Thats right... I'm in the big leagues now.

Walk The Line

Although I've seen this movie before, I just watched it again on the Max free movie thing... which I love, I must say. Free movies, and HBO shows, hilarious.

Anyways, yeah, if you haven't seen it or whatever, watch it. I wasn't a huge Johnny Cash fan before I saw the movie in the theatres, but now I am. I'm sure that makes me a poser or some other wanna be type person, but he was a pretty cool guy.



Also on Max thing... Lucky Louie. What a hilarious show. Its an HBO show about this loser and his cranky ass wife and their ghetto apartment. Defiitely made me laugh. I haven't heard so many f-bombs and sexual depiction on tv for a while (discounting the Hustler channel I also get, hah). If you have Max, check this shit out.

Babies in the garbage

I recently came across two somewhat disturbing, yet hilarious pictures. The second one was only funny because of the first one.

Let me just say, if you are planning on throwing away your baby, listen to this sign:




If you still don't want to drop it off, don't just throw that baby away! It's a well known fact that babies can be melted down and used again -- RECYCLE!

Hilarious Comic of the Day

Today's sampling from Cyanide and Happiness. Check my links section if you haven't already.


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Popcorn and Cop Porn... I always make that mistake.

Friday Night Jokes

I apologize in advance to those lightweights out there. I am a twisted man, with a twisted sense of humour. Read on...
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Two homeless men are sifting through a garbage bin in an alley looking for some eats. The first filthy hobo says "Look at that cat over there, it doesn't look like its been dead long, I'm so hungry I'm gonna eat that thing!" The second filthy hobo, however, is repulsed and lets the first filthy hobo know his feelings on the matter "Yuck, I know we're filthy hobos, but hot damn, how can you eat that cat, its covered in maggots!" To which the first replies "I haven't eaten in weeks, plus its meat, just pretend its steak"

The first hobo then proceeds to eat the entire cat, minus the hair and bones (cause that'd be fucking sick, yo).

A few hours later the second hobo is still starving and the first is feeling the ill effects of eating rotten cat. As the first one pukes up the cat all over the sidewalk the second says "I told you thats nasty to eat a cat..." but as he picks up a discarded toothpick and proceeds to the vomit he goes on "... but I haven't had a hot meal in ages."

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A little boy is sitting on the side of a mountain road beside an idling car, tears streaming down his dust covered face. He looks like he has been there a while and is cold and alone.

A man driving along the same road drives by, and seeing the little lad pulls over to see what the fuss is about.

"Little boy," the man inquires, "why are you crying, where are your parents?"

"My dad just fell off the side of the mountain," the little boy replies.

"That's just awful, why would he have fallen off the side of the mountain?"

"He was going after my mom, who was also fell off" the little boy wails, the tears coming like a sad little spring of tear-water.

"Oh my, why did your mom fall off the side?"

"To catch my dog, who jumped from the car"

"My, my, thats horrible," the man consoles the boy, "You lost your whole family, eh?"

"Yes" the little boy sniffles.

As the man reaches pushes the little boy up against the car and undoes his pants he says, "I guess it just isn't your lucky day, kid, is it?"
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Straight to hell, do not pass purgatory.

Clarification

My mom is not a bitch who yells all the time. She's a very nice woman. The post below about my car accident makes her seem like an ill tempered shrew who yells a lot. This is to clarify that she is, in fact, not. Thanks.

New Ride?

Well, as some of you may know or even care about... back in July I slammed into the back of a Monte Carlo on Idylwyld. It wasn't icy, rainy or even really sunny. I think I mostly did it to shut my mom up - she was complaining about how I follow too close to cars or some shit like that. Anywho, I totalled off my grandparents, rest their souls, 1995 Dodge Spirit*. The air bag went off and smacked me in the face... insert joke here... which filled the car up with dust or some shit that I, in the fog of war, assumed was fire. I couldn't see, my face hurt and my mom was screaming (apparently the accident just provoked her more!)

Long story short, my car sucks ass now, I can't pop the hood and its leaking oil yet mysteriously still runs. Yesterday I lost the headlight that was hanging by a cable which I normally wedged back under the crumpled hood. Who knows where it is, but if you see one, free headlight, eh?
SGI wasn't much help and the dude there couldn't tell me much, but I finally got off my procrastinating ass and took my claim to a body shop. Which brings me to today. (Read on, this is where it gets juicy)

So today Lance and I are looking for cars. I bought a good ol' Auto Trader and we eagerly flipped the pages. Actually, I'm car retarded and pretty much just let Lance tell me what to get. We found a pretty good looking VW Jetta, 2000, good shape, etc etc. Fuck, its nice. However, the guy who owns it went out of town and I couldn't test drive it today, but I'm crossing my fingers. We moved on to a 2004 Chevy Optra which was curiously under priced for the condition it was in, but I think I'll chalk it up to the sweaty ethnic man who was driving it. I'm sure he was good to it, but fuck, where is this guy from, you know?

Finally, we drove two Grand Am's, a 2004 and 2000. Both drove nicely and looked in good shape. As another weird coincidence both were being sold because the guys had bought mini vans for their kids. And... they only lived 2 blocks away, weird if you think about it. --Pause to think about it--- --- Longer pause to be a little freaked out---

I didn't buy anything yet, but am tempted to get one of the above. I won't spoil the surprise (suprise? I dont' know) or really, I just don't want to look like a douche and not get the car I'm thinking of.

I'll keep you posted. As usual, stay tuned folks, my life is a highway and you can drive it with me all night long in my new ride.


*As of publishing time, the car is not officially totalled, but fuck, its a mess and there's a mysterious odour in there that I just can't put my finger on, thats gotta jack up the damage, eh?